I feel as if I am surrounded by a wall, an impossible list of things keeping me from where I would like to be. There are dozens of bricks in this wall, each of them conquerable, but together they are insurmountable. I hold my breath because at any moment the bricks may give way, and the wall will crumble. I try to wait patiently, but the anticipation is constant and unending. For the most part, I am hopeful and excited about this wall falling around me, but deep down I am terrified that I am waiting for something that will not happen. I feel helpless because time and again I have tried to demolish the barrier, but I don’t have the strength. So I hold my breath and wait. And I wait, and wait some more.
Bills. Car repairs. Groceries. Student loans. Driver’s licenses. Credit card payments.
Heather hasn’t been able to find a full-time job. I love her so much, and I want her to find a job that she will enjoy. I don’t want her to be unhappy, especially for my sake. Am I selfish for bringing her here? Am I irresponsible?
How do I know we’re supposed to be here? Someone pointed out to me (very sensitively) that perhaps our trouble with jobs and finances indicates that we shouldn’t have come to Waco. Maybe we made our own plan instead of following God’s. How do I know?
I don’t. I have no way of knowing for certain that this is where we should be right now. As I think back, I cannot remember an explicit directive from God to move to Waco after marrying Heather. I can’t remember an instruction to go anywhere else either, or to stay where we were. We moved here because, of all the places we could have gone, Waco had the most purpose. The seminary I feel led to attend is here, and that’s it. We had no holier reason than that.
I know that I’ve made mistakes, choosing selfishness over glorifying God, and I know that I haven’t pursued him as diligently as I could have. But I also know that despite my mistakes, for which I receive forgiveness, I am still God’s son whom he loves. He is an intricate God with an intricate plan, and my calling within that plan is not to a place or time, but to faithfulness in my pursuit of Christ.
“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.”
He is not a God of, “Let’s dwell on what you could have done differently,” but a God of, “Let’s move on from here." It is not by confidence in my past that I face the future, but by faith that my future is in and through him. I’m still afraid, still uncertain about all these bricks around me, but “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
“My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.”
Dear Stephen,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this posting. I'm being serious. I always feel like I don't know where my life is going. I feel like I have no direction-- that God has forgotten me. It's easy for people to say "Wait on God" or "God has a plan" but what they don't tell you is how HARD it actually is to wait or not know the plan. I wish things could be easier (for all of us). I wish we knew where we were going with our lives... But wishing doesn't always make things happen.
I really loved the scripture verses you shared. I've been reading the book of Daniel-- and about how God is so great and powerful that He decides when seasons change. And He decides who is going to be a ruler in this world. And I just have to remember that is the same God who created me, loves me, and holds my life in His hands.
And I think no matter what path we choose to take in life-- we always take God with us. And I don't know if I believe there is ever just "one" path God has set for us. I'd like to believe He has set up several options, and then after we choose one He guides us through it. So just keep praying-- cause I know I'm not stopping.
also: someone just yesterday pointed me to Romans 8:28-29
ReplyDelete"and we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. for those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son.."
and even though its hard to believe, its not a lie.
God's guidance isn't always in the form of voices or burning bushes but impressions. I have found that even if I did mis-interpret God's what I thought was a Divine impression, God will work it to my good if I am earnestly seeking Him. So, don't despair from the walls that seem to be blocking your path.
ReplyDeleteMost of your angst is from finances or lack thereof. Sometimes a job is just a job. Not fun, not rewarding, definitely not a career, but it provides a necessary commodity. Maybe it is time to lower the expectations and look to fast food or any other menial labor just to make some do-re-mi. Of course, you may have already explored this option and I know nothing about it.
One last thing, we learn and grow the most during times of hardship and struggle. Yet, you and I and everyone else I know, hate that concept. There are people who are praying for you guys..